The day I risked every good opinion of me to follow my dreams…

Have you ever realized how many opinions people have of us? Have you ever lived within a prision of those opinions? Have you ever let those opinions completely paralyze you and hold you back from ever making a decision because you just knew that no matter what you decided, it would be the wrong decision according to somebody?

Hi. I’m Nikki and I’m a recovering people-pleaser. (Hi, Nikki.)

I don’t remember exactly when this started — this need to please everyone around me. Like my left thumb, it feels like it has always been there. In fact, I’ve named it “Curtis.” Just kidding. I don’t name bad behavior. (But I would never tell you if I did anyways!)

From high grades to the right clothes, to the right Valentines cards in elementary school…to the cool clothes I tried to force my sweet single mother to buy me in junior high school just so I could fit in. To trying to style my hair and do my makeup like they did in the magazines only to be teased mercilessly because, well, I didn’t pull it off — at all. And then when I discovered I could sing, I thought maybe this was it! Here’s my ticket to being seen and heard and celebrated. But there was always somebody else that could sing better than I could, and was prettier with nicer hair and straighter teeth. And they could riff like a dang boss. So, I hid in my room singing into my hairbrush, pretending to win a Grammy and choreographing music videos. I just knew that I would be famous one day and show everyone who made fun of me. Yeah, I would show them.

Fast forward to the ripe ol’ age of 35. Here we have a college drop-out, with enough college credit (and student loan debt) to have a freaking PhD, a failed music career, and really no career at that. Majorly obese, singing harmony on a Sunday morning at church just so that the gift still gets used in some way. I’m not really sure who I’m “showing” right now, but it sure isn’t helping my case.

But something happened inside of me the last few months, as I recovered from yet another major failure — I found a little moxie. Just enough to help me realize that I was starting to paint myself into a life I hated. Not just didn’t like — straight up hated. It felt like a prison and every single day I woke up suffocating — if I ever actually was able to sleep at all. My breaking point came on the day that I realized that mentally I could not in that moment safely care for myself or my children and I had to call my husband to come home for the afternoon. I took off in the car when he got home and I got alone with myself and my Maker and had a good scream-cry. And for the first time in 6 months (or maybe ever) I was freaking honest. I cursed. I talked about how much I hated this life I felt trapped in. I shared the truths inside my heart that I was terrified to admit to anyone — including myself.

“I don’t love being a stay-at-home mom. I love working. I love pioneering. I love working with my hands and creating things. I hate changing diapers and sweeping cheerios. I don’t like taking care of other people’s kids either. I don’t love creating social media content for other people all day because it feels a lot like building everyone else’s dreams and watching mine die. The more I say yes to other people and their opinion of me, the further away I get from the life I really want to be living… the life I know is possible. It will take a sacrifice and it will take hard work. It will take saying no to everyone that wants me to say yes and will blame me for their own life choices because I won’t help them. And right now, I have decided that even if they all hate me…even if they all judge me because what I’m doing isn’t “Christian enough” or if they say I’m a bad mom because I’m choosing to sacrifice a year of my kids’ lives so I can work and build this business…I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. Because I am suffocating under the weight of their expectation. They don’t have to live this life…I do. So today I’m risking every single good opinion of me that might be left in the world and I’m pulling the plug.”

And I did. I pulled the rug out from the whole freaking lot of it. I undid everything I found myself trapped in. Not because anyone else had done anything wrong — but because I had done it to myself by not being honest with myself. And I certainly hadn’t been able to be honest with anybody else. There were casualties, and it wasn’t pretty. And it hurt…a lot. I cried so many tears I didn’t even know were so deep inside of me. And the transition into the “sacrifice season” hasn’t been easy. I drop my kids off at their new preschool and cry every day. I come home to the empty house and ask Jesus, “Did I make the wrong choice?! It’s too quiet in here.” And He always reassures me that this “sacrifice season” will be worth it and this crazy super human strength rises up in me and I do the dang thing. Whatever the day needs, I do it. And I finally replaced my printer after the move so I’m printing out every single thing I need to see every single day to keep me going and I’m plastering it on my workspace walls. (Enter at your own risk! It’s starting to look a little like one of those creepy criminal walls with the pictures and maps everywhere…) This is not just a hustle season, it is an alignment season. Aligning myself to Him…to who I really am and who I’m really meant to be. Aligning my lifestyle to what He has for us. It doesn’t have to make a lick of sense to anyone else because nobody else has to live my life. But what matters is that my husband is in agreement and we have a vision for our lives — a very clear one now actually. And it might look stupid and foolish to every other human on this planet, but it doesn’t to us. We know what we are doing. We know what we are building. Saying no is so much easier when you know what you’re saying yes to instead. To borrow a line from the financial guru Dave Ramsey, we’re gonna “Live like no one else so we can live like no one else.”

So, how do I feel now that I’ve broken up with people-pleasing? Pretty dang good, thanks. Freedom has never ever felt sooooo good. And my dreams? Just on the horizon, actually. I can already smell them coming in on the wind. They smell really refreshing.

~Nikki