Today I got my official Autism diagnosis!

Today, at the age of 39, I was officially diagnosed with Autism. This has been a 4 year journey that included a terrible first evaluation with someone that did not understand Autism in women at all. I was not going to bother with a second opinion because I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was so tired of trying to get someone to actually see ME…for who I really am. To see the disability. To see the good stuff nobody sees. I was done…until one day when I was pregnant with Hope I was crying out to the Lord while holding my awful evaluation with words describing “me” that were as far away from the truth as they could get and I said, “Why?! Why should I keep going?!”

The Lord drew my attention to my belly and said, “Because of her. You have to do it for her.” I knew then that she would be Autistic too. And when the signs started showing as she grew older, the doctors saw it too. I made her an appointment and then decided to make one for me too. She had her evaluation before me, but we hadn’t officially received her results yet. The evaluators looked me directly in the eye and said, “You already knew this when you came in here, but we are going to officially tell you that you are Autistic. We are diagnosing you.” And it was after that they shared Hope’s official diagnosis with me as well.

I got mine first.

I did it for her.

I did it for me too.

I have never felt so deeply seen. During one part of the evaluation with the SLP (Speech Language Pathologist), I was answering their questions—rattling off answers one by one while staring out the window. She gently stopped me and said, “Okay, so I am getting the sense that you have worked really hard all your life to mask how hard you actually work. I want to invite you to take the mask off and let us see how hard you actually work.” It was gentle…it was kind. It felt more loving than I can describe. I cried my way through the rest of the answers—finally feeling safe to take off the mask I was wearing, the one I thought everyone wanted me to wear, and I let the real me show up for those questions. Years of struggles and agony being recalled to memory, but summed up in a single “Strongly Agree/Strongly Disagree” statement.

Seen. Deeply seen. That has never in my life happened.

And now that the diagnosis is there, I can move into the healing stage. This woman is incredible and will continue to work with me to teach me how to feel safe being me. To advocate for myself. To work with my disability and not always be fighting against it.

And she will teach my children the same things. Their stories won’t be like mine. They will stand on my shoulders and go higher than I ever could.

Hallelujah and thank you Jesus.

And because I know this is a sensitive subject and most people don’t know how to respond because they’ve always been taught that Autism is a bad thing, I am going to tell you that I am celebrating my design and this is a GOOD thing. You can congratulate me or not. That doesn’t matter to me. Autism isn’t my identity but it’s a HUGE part of my story. Now I have the freedom to talk about it openly without feeling like an imposter. So, whether you agree with Autism or not, you can praise God with me because He is and will be using this all to bring Himself glory and to set others free through me and my family! Amen!

Blessings,

~Nikki