Pregnancy After Loss
It’s true! If you haven’t already seen the news, I’m pregnant with our rainbow baby! 😍
We are beyond excited and while I’m still early…6 weeks tomorrow…we knew we should not wait to tell the world what God has done!
If you’re new around here, here’s a quick back story on our loss. Two years ago I was pregnant with our third child. I have a VERY complicated reproductive history involving a massive surgery to remove 23ish uterine fibroids..one the size of a grapefruit! They had to completely reconstruct my uterus after that procedure and then it was up to God if we would be able to have children. We have since had 2 miracle boys. Then I got pregnant fairly quickly with my third. We were so happy and were waiting until we got the ultrasound at 8 weeks so we could share our happy news. But just shy of 8 weeks I started bleeding. I have never bled before in pregnancy and I hadn’t had many of the normal pregnancy symptoms, so when the bleeding started I knew something was wrong. Everyone told me not to think the worst, but I could feel it coming. Not in a doom and gloom way…I just seem to be able to sense when God is allowing something we don’t necessarily see as good to happen. This was one of those instances. We prayed. We rallied the troups to pray with us. But I lost my baby that weekend. We knew she was a girl…we named her Adelaide Joy. I shared about that miscarriage process in all its gory detail here because someone else is going to walk through that one day and they need to know what happens. Doctors don’t prepare you for it. You don’t get a pamphlet about the trauma attached to it. You don’t get warned about the pieces and parts your body discards. This is all, of course, if you are able to have a “peaceful” miscarriage at home. Many women have to go through the trauma of having it done in the hospital. So when someone says, “One in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and it’s nothing you’ve done and it’s super common” I get a little angry inside. Because just because it’s common, doesn’t mean it’s common to ME. Or you. Or her. There’s nothing common about it. But, again, this is for another post.
We have been trying to get pregnant for about a year and a half. We took breaks in between because the negative tests were driving me insane. (I shared about the grief cycle of infertility here.) But we finally got pregnant…sort of without even trying? I know that’s weird because obviously…you know. Haha. But it was such a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting that my afternoon naps and frequent urination were going to give me a positive test! Such joy and happiness! 😍
I definitely have the pregnancy symptoms this time around which is such a relief. But I find myself each day checking for blood. All day long actually. And checking to make sure the symptoms are still there. Every little pang and pain causes me to tense up in anticipation. My body and my mind are revealing a self-protection mode and they keep trying to get me to slip into that. But my heart knows this baby is coming. We believe she is a girl as well. We have named her Hope Elizabeth. And boy is that prophetic because the amount of hope I have to carry for my Hope is mind-blowing!
Just like all my other babies, I have had ample signs and visions and dreams about Hope. I have seen her as a toddler with lil’ pigtails and her brothers in that dream/vision were playing with her and were about the exact age they would be when she is a toddler. I know she will live. And I have forgiven what happened two years ago and worked through the trauma and grief with a grief counselor. I am in a healthy place with that loss. But I am also a human having an experience. And each time I wipe or check for a symptom is another chance to lean on Jesus. To ask Him to bring me peace. To tune into Him and let Him sing me her song again.
And ironically, she has a song here too and it’s giving me LIFE through all of this. I heard snippets of it on the radio before I even found out I was pregnant and thought it was sweet. Like another God-wink. He has done that for all my kiddos. We see their names in unusual places. Or we talk to someone with their exact name. Funny things that others wouldn’t notice, but we knew. And every time that started happening, the pregnancy would follow. 🙂 We have never been surprised by our children’s gender. We have known who they are and we are just so excited when it is finally their time! And with Hope, oof. God has had to REALLY get our attention with her name because it’s such a common word. It’s everywhere really. So He would have to do things like a GIANT CAPITALIZED “HOPE” IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. 😂 Or someone repeating the word over and over. Or putting it in the middle of a song….over and over…like this one. I had only heard snippets and thought it was sweet. But it wasn’t until I found out I was pregnant with her that I finally got to hear the whole song. And it came on right when I was struggling with fear about losing her. I had to go back and read the lyrics and listen again and again because I couldn’t believe how fitting it was! Now it plays in my head at just the right times. 🙂
And here are the lyrics…because wow.
You Keep Hope Alive — Mandisa & Jon Reddick
Days may be darkest
But Your light is greater
You light our way
God You light our way
When evil is rising
You’re rising higher
With power to save
With power to save
You keep hope alive
You keep hope alive
From the beginning to end
Your word never fails
You keep hope alive
Because You are alive
Jesus You are alive
Death had a stronghold
But Your life was stronger
Rose from the grave
Rose up from the grave
When evil is rising
You’re rising higher
With power to save
With power to save
You keep hope alive
You keep hope alive
From the beginning to end
Your word never fails
You keep hope alive
Because You are alive
Jesus You are alive
There’s hope in the morning
Hope in the evening
Hope because You’re living
Hope because You’re breathing
There’s hope in the breaking
Hope in the sorrow
Hope for this moment
My hope for tomorrow
There’s hope in the morning
Hope in the evening
Hope because You’re living
Hope because You’re breathing
There’s hope in the breaking
Hope in the sorrow
Hope for this moment
My hope for tomorrow
You keep hope alive
You keep hope alive
From the beginning to end
Your word never fails
You keep hope alive
Because You are alive
Jesus You are alive
So as you can see, God is pretty good at showing us who our kids are and preparing us for their arrival. 😉 I couldn’t believe how fitting that song was and I’m so so thankful for that promise to stand on.
Pregnancy after loss is not at all easy. And while no pregnancy is easy, it’s another level of trust when you’ve walked crawled through loss. But my faith is strong and I have this Hope as an anchor for my soul…
She will live and not die.
She is the head and not the tail.
He knew her before He formed her in my womb.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow her all the days of her life.
We are going to be okay. We are going to get through this all and she will be the reward I get to hold and smooch at the end of this journey. 😍♥️
Blessings,
Nikki
