Sensory Overload

Today I want to share about something that happens in my home a LOT. In fact, it happened this morning before I even opened my eyes.

Sensory overload.

This morning my older son had an epic Autistic meltdown because we would not allow him to have Trix for breakfast. We never buy those kinds of cereals because of this exact reason. But I allowed marketing to sucker me into buying it because it was Trolls and I knew my kids loved Trolls. (My mistake.)

It’s not enough for him to have it a few times a week — he fixates and has to have it every second. It’s sugary and sweet and I get it. But because of that “addiction factor” we limit the amount of sugar and sweets both kiddos get. We want them to be healthy and I personally believe that many behavioral issues stem from diet. (But obviously, I am not judging anyone because I bought the cereal too. lol.)

So these meltdowns are intense. They are not the same as a temper tantrum. Even if they LOOK like it on the surface, they are not. With a temper tantrum, they will either hammer it out in a few minutes and act like nothing happened, or you can distract them with something and they’ll move on. A true meltdown has more to do with sensory overload. Because too much sensory input is coming through, we have no way to process and regulate it and then we are incredibly overwhelmed and then there’s the crying, screaming, and in some cases, self-harm. Thankfully we do not deal with self-harm, but my heart goes out to the families that do. 🙁 These meltdowns take awhile to come out of. And they leave us so exhausted we need to nap or at the very least to sit still and be quiet. Often this looks like sitting in front of YouTube or some folks use video games. In my case I often have to sit with my phone for a few minutes and scroll literally mindlessly to regulate. Half the time I am not even seeing what I’m scrolling through, but it helps me to “focus” on something else and gives my body time to calm down. I am only now learning what is happening in my body (and in my sons’ bodies!) so I look forward to developing some great, healthy tools to help us learn to regulate with the Holy Spirit! But for now, we are using what we have. And we are learning a lot because of it! But anyways, back to my story. These meltdowns are intense for anyone. It’s the equivalent of a baby crying and you have no idea what to do and everything you try makes it worse. Imagine that being your life 24-7.

Then add my own Autism journey and you get a sensory storm. While this kind of meltdown will trigger even the average neurotypical person, it majorly triggers a neurodivergent human. (Autistic folks, etc.)

I am not always triggered by his meltdowns — but they do grate on me in the sensory department until it’s resolved. I often can stay calm and help him get through his. Then I go away and quietly recharge. But when I am experiencing sensory overload, I am incredibly overwhelmed and struggle to control my frustration/anger.

This morning he started with the cereal situation, and then my younger son was touching my head — so lovingly and sweet!!! but I was so very overwhelmed that it feels very annoying in that moment, unfortunately, and I have to learn how to navigate not making him feel like I don’t want his love/affection and feeling overwhelmed. Then if I don’t get my contacts in as soon as possible, I start to get a headache from the eye strain. And of course now we’re approaching coffee time so already my body is getting frustrated that we have no coffee. Haha. AND, my belly is getting word that it’s that time again (because I pretty much eat like clockwork in the morning and the same thing every morning – 2 eggs, 2 pieces of gluten free toast for dipping in my over easy eggs and 2 pieces of low sodium bacon) and now I’m also hungry. Then my younger son enters a meltdown for something and I’m really feeling it. So I tell my older son to come here (firmly — okay, angrily) and he has his paci (oral stimulation to help calm him — and yes he has a paci at 5 because we haven’t found any other tools that work orally yet, though we do use quality essential oils and that helps us quite a bit. By this point he had already had our calming blend rolled on him and we were waiting for it to kick in) and I pull him into a bear hug. Firm pressure (when he’s ready — that’s the key) around him will bring him to peace in about 3-4 minutes. I will feel his first deep sigh around 3-4 minutes. Then another super deep sigh maybe 3-4 minutes later. Then he is calm and back to regulated state.

At this point I was able to eat, drink my coffee (while everyone is triggering like crazy so I don’t really get a break to recharge) and get my contacts in. So now at least 3 of my sensory issues have been resolved and I’m thinking I can do this.

Now it’s time to leave my bed. I HATE getting out of my bed before I’m ready. HATE it. My bedroom is my safe place and I’m most comfortable snuggled up in my bed. Not because I’m depressed, lol, but because it is the only place I can sit/lay where my body doesn’t ache in some way. It is my comfort zone. But now that we are home quarantining, my hubby is working from home and he uses our room because it’s the quietest and has the internet. So I have to leave the room so he can start work. I respect and support this, but I do not have to like it. Haha. Also, I don’t just sit in my room all the time. I just want to make sure that’s clear. lol. It’s just my place to retreat to when I need it.

I make it out of the room and my younger son (that we are currently potty training — naked style) has pooped on the floor. I’m not happy about this, and it’s adding to my overwhelm, but I manage to get it cleaned up. Then a slew of other things start happening and this is all during the time I typically retreat to my office to breathe, pray, and prepare my heart for my day. It’s getting further and further away and half my coffee is not in my belly and sits in my cup cold. We choose not to have a microwave so now I need to heat it on the stove. While I’m starting to feel a little better and getting the kids vitamins/my vitamins ready for the day while my coffee reheats, my younger son has diarrhea. Everywhere. On him. All over the toilet. Floor. Who knows where else. And then as I’m trying to clean him — it’s on me. And I am at my limit. I can feel it. It’s thresh hold level now. For a “normal” person, this would be too much! And for me it is doubly too much. But I have learned in these moments where I can feel myself “losing it” as I call it, I can be honest with Jesus and say, “Jesus, I am losing it! I need you!!!!” And it comes out through gritted teeth and maybe a whisper — maybe a yell, who knows. Haha. But lately He has really been helping me through it. So instead of totally blowing up and entering full meltdown mode (yep, that happens to me if I get way too overwhelmed), I am starting to be able to “let out some steam” so to speak, with that prayer. It gives me enough to get through whatever I need to do in that moment and then when it’s over, I make myself a priority and retreat. Either to my office or to the kitchen (the kids are gated on the other side of the house for a reason. That was a nice little trick someone taught me when the boys were younger and I was struggling to get alone time. At the time I assumed it was just because I was 97% introverted. Now I understand there was so much more going on.)

So one way that I process is by writing — by sharing my story. Sometimes that makes it to the www but most of the time it comes out in prayer, in my journal, or in a conversation with an extremely close friend. And I know that I haven’t shared a lot about what happens in our home — at least not like this — so I figured it was probably time to start really opening up about what it’s like to live with Autism. It’s not always tough — we have amazing moments all day long! But the parts that are hard, are extra hard and we often don’t participate in any extra outside of the house activities because we are so very, very drained. The last date my husband and I went on was likely months ago. It’s been so long I actually don’t remember. 🙁

All this to say, sensory overload is very real. And we are learning every day how to do this — how to not just live with it, but how to heal what is hurting and how to THRIVE in this. We do not have to be tormented. We refuse to live in a prison of our feelings/emotions. We trust that Jesus can heal us of any and everything! In fact, this morning my older son and I talked about what happens when we are melting down. He shared how he feels like he “just can’t control it”. So I was able to share with him what I’ve been doing during my own meltdowns. And that we can reach out to Jesus and ask Him to comfort us and bring us peace and help us regulate. I wish you could hear him pray. It’s so so beautiful. <3

So now that I’ve regulated myself by sitting here typing this all to you and drinking my cold coffee, haha, I can take some deep breaths and go about my day! I’m so thankful that I am not stuck like I used to be. I’m so thankful for new tools every day. I’ve never been more grateful for other humans and their specialties and gifts! God bless everyone that has studied humans/Autistic humans and are able to teach us about ourselves so we can THRIVE and not have to be disqualified or distracted from our incredible purposes in this life!!!!

Blessings to you –
~Nikki