Lean into the longing.

How many times in your life have you heard the phrase “Don’t look back”? I think there is great wisdom in not looking back, but I also am learning that there are some really great keys to be found when we find ourselves longing for something in the past.

Let me be upfront and say that I do agree that getting stuck in the past does not propel us forward. But what I am saying, is that the longing we find ourselves experiencing does not have to be something we are afraid of.

For so long I have ignored the longings of my heart because I was so afraid to get stuck in my past. But all the while, that Nikki inside of me was actually calling to me from that memory.

“Come back and see me, Nikki. Come back and see what part of yourself you have left behind.”

Every morning I pass my old college while driving my family to their various destinations. This was my first college. The one I prayed to get into and the one I decided to pursue music at instead of pre-med. It was the place I gained a major amount of independence at. It was also the place I made a lot of stupid choices and I praise Jesus that I walked out of there relatively unscathed.

But it was also the place of lazy Saturday morning pancake bars and friends everywhere. It was a place of beginnings and every morning everything was new. Every new experience was awaiting me every single morning when I woke up. I never knew what the day would bring, and the world was my oyster. As someone that very much loves surprises and adventure and non-routine as much as I do, that made me feel alive. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am comfortable in routine and order. But after so long I will get really really bored living in it. So when I drive by my old dorm room every morning, I feel it. The longing calling to me. Remember when…

And now instead of trying to supress that longing, or even instead of heading down the rabbit trail in my head of all the memories and shame I felt there, I lean into the longing.

I have learned to ask myself some questions.

What is it about this memory that you keep coming back to?

Who or what are you longing for here?

Is there anything here the Lord wants to heal so you can be free in this memory?

What about yourself in this memory do you feel you are missing in your present version of yourself?

How could you incorporate that part of you into your life now?

Which changes would need to be made to accomodate that part of you? How could you make room for her?

There are usually more, haha. But those are the major ones that come to mind. And then an amazing thing happens: I am able to integrate that part of myself. I no longer shame myself for missing that part of myself. The longing does not make me weak — the longing means I am missing part of me and it’s time to bring it back.

So what was I missing in present day Nikki that college-aged Nikki was calling out for? Freedom. Newness. New beginnings. A break from the monotony.

Now I can drive by that dorm room and smile, because I know that I have a gameplan to implement that part of me that I was missing back into my life. That freedom and newness I loved then can still be part of my life right now. But it will require sacrifice and intentionality to bring it back. It was easy to stuff it down then in the name of life. It will not be quite as easy to make room, but it can be done if I really want it to! If I don’t, then it’s okay to love that part of me and accept that it is over and lay it to rest. Or even to love it enough to place it on hold. But rejecting that part of me can no longer happen because eventually it turns septic and destroys the rest of me. Then bitterness and resentment kick in, and suddenly I can’t be grateful for my current life anymore. And we all know that’s a slippery slope!

Your turn: Where in your life do you need to lean into the longing? Where are you ignorning yourself? Where are bitterness and regret having coffee together in your life? What steps can you take to integrate yourself so you can be free?

Blessings,
Nikki